Anonymous - On Being A Single Mum
Interviewed by Ifeoluwa A.
Ife: Tell me about yourself, please.
Anonymous: I am a Christian, a non-practising lawyer and a content writer. I am also a single mum. I enjoy writing, listening to music and talking to people. I like food a lot too.
Being a Christian is the core of my identity. I was raised in a Christian home, and my parents are pastors. I have always been aware of God. We had devotions, night prayers, Bible studies, etc., and by the time I was 8, I could contribute to the discussions and prayers. Minus my parental influence, I have always felt drawn to God. From reading the Bible mainly for the stories in the Old Testament to reading and understanding it and then teaching. I was always involved in school fellowships and church activities. Although my personality does not revolve around my faith, it is central to my identity.
I: How old were you when you found out you were having a baby?
A: I was 23, three months from turning 24.
I: Interesting. What was your initial reaction?
A: Shock. I wasn’t going all the way with the person I was involved with at the time. Chalk it up to the fear of getting heartbroken or dumped; I wasn't up for it with him or anyone else. I did not quite qualify as a virgin seeing that we were doing everything else. It seems ridiculous now that I think about it, but it was what it was.
When my period was late, I did not consider it a cause for alarm because that was not the first time. Also, PMS symptoms are slightly similar to early pregnancy symptoms, so I was not worried until I started spitting. That was when I told the guy whom I was not dating, by the way.
I: Ah.
A: We were not officially together, but we saw regularly. Let's call it a situationship. Anyway, when he suggested I could be pregnant was the first time the thought crossed my mind. Then the back and forth started.
I had been ill for some time and was treated for malaria, but I started feeling ill soon afterwards. Then I reached out to a doctor friend and explained my symptoms who suggested I take a home pregnancy test. I did and got two lines, but I still refused to believe it was possible, so I went to the hospital. I did a few tests and returned the following day for the results.
When the doctor confirmed I was pregnant, I asked for an ultrasound. I had read about ectopic pregnancies, and low-key hoped that would be the case, so they would have to remove it. However, seeing the baby on the screen during the scan made it more concrete then the confusion started. I kept asking myself what was happening to me and wondering how I would break the news to my family.
I: Where were you, and what were you doing then?
A: It was during NYSC. It had about two months to go, and I would be back home.
I: How far along were you?
A: About six weeks. I briefly considered having an abortion to "fix things" because I felt people knew me, and it would be a dent in my record. The year before, I was the best female graduating student, so I had a bit of a reputation. I thought people knew me as a quick-witted person with potential, and being pregnant would thwart that.
Also, a month before, I had written a series of newsletters about resting in God. I was so ashamed and thought people would see me as a fraud. It was not only about being a child of two pastors; there were also some consequences for me as an individual.
I got frightened and could not go through with having an abortion. There was also an internal battle. Before then, I used to say I would not judge anyone who decided to get one, but if it were me, I would keep the baby and trust God, but the truth is, such things are easier said than done. You won't sincerely know what you would do until you are in the situation. I was faced with my convictions and had to decide. I decided to uphold my beliefs and keep the baby.
I: How did your “partner” take the news?
A: By the time I saw him, I was in the blame stage. I had accepted that I was pregnant and was looking for who to blame. I was angry with him because he was not even supposed to be in the same state as me. They posted us to different states for NYSC, and while I saw it as an opportunity to end what we had going, he was committed to making it work, so he redeployed to my state.
I kept blaming him and telling him I would not be pregnant if he had just let me be and not redeployed to the state I was posted. All that was going through my mind at the time was that I would be the one to bear the burden and shame of being pregnant out of wedlock, and he would go scot-free. I felt entitled to my anger and said many things I could not take back. He truly wanted us to be together and kept reassuring me that he would support me.
I: Awww. Cute.
A: Please. I was just so angry. When I calmed down, I decided to tell my family.
I: How did your parents and siblings react to the news?
A: I am the 4th of 5 children. I texted my younger sister on my way home from the hospital, so she already knew. When I called my eldest sister the following day, she was furious, and she decided to be the one to break the news to my parents. Before she did, she told my brother first. He called me and was very kind and comforting. I would later find out that he was also angry and disappointed, but he calmed down before he called me. One thing I love about my family is that we've always supported each other. I am confident God leads them, and nine times out of ten, they would do or say the right thing.
We talked things over, and he said he felt my parents would want me to marry the guy. I knew I was in a tight spot, and it would do some damage control, but I honestly did not want to marry him. I mean, I did not even want to date him. We decided to tell one of our uncles first. I knew they were all worried about me because I was all by myself where I was serving, but I was okay. As okay I could be, at least. I was crying most of the time, but I had decided to keep the baby, and I was not going to hurt myself. My parents got to know the following week. There was shock, fear, and shame, but eventually, I got this strange courage.
I: Did any of this affect your work in any way?
A: Not much. I kept it under wraps, but I regularly excused myself to cry whenever it hit me that I was pregnant. Even now, I still remember that time and shed a few tears.
I eventually had to open up to 2 senior colleagues I could trust. There was no way I could not tell anyone at all because my new situation somewhat affected my productivity, and I did not want anyone to think I was being lazy. I also told one fellow corps member, who was my friend.
I: Awww. What about your friends? Being a Christian, did getting pregnant affect your interactions with them? Were you afraid of being judged?
A: I think I have been blessed with amazing friends. I was not afraid. My best friends knew from the jump then I gradually told some others. A few of them expressed concern about being ready to be a mum at my age, but they all assured me of their support. In all, nobody judged me.
I: They say becoming a parent changes you. In what ways has been a mum changed you?
A: I don't think it has changed me per se, but it has made me notice certain things about myself and amplified some qualities I had. For one, during pregnancy, I understood I had more strength than I thought. Also, before now, I did not consider myself someone with any emotional strength. I was teased often about being a softie.
Motherhood made me know that I can do hard things. From taking hour-long walks during pregnancy to juggling work and other things. Now, as a mum, I feel stronger both physically and emotionally. Being a mum has also made me more tender-hearted, empathetic and sacrificial, all of which I have always been. I like helping people and going the extra mile for those I care about, not sparing any expense. Motherhood has made these things more pronounced. I've had to give up certain privileges, but I don't feel any loss or misery. I am happy to give up anything to be the best mum to my son.
I: How is the relationship with your co-parent?
A: After my initial outburst and blaming him for everything, I apologised to him because I felt terrible. Before I moved back home, he was hands-on and supportive. We were okay, and I even considered marrying him and getting it over with, but when I got home, things changed. He became slightly distant, and I was the one always reaching out, calling and checking in.
I: Was that because you were not going to marry him?
A: Oh, no. What I think happened was that the reality and enormity of the situation finally dawned on him when we were no longer seeing each other all the time, and he had maybe had some time to think things through. We were both young, so it was understandable, but I still expected him to care. He did not admit any of this to me, though.
When we finally talked about it, and I expressed my displeasure, he apologised and promised to do better. He honestly tried to check in often and be more present, but it felt obligatory (like he was only doing that because I asked). I did not feel any care or concern, but I did not talk about it again because I don't like complaining or nagging. I resolved to move on without him and relied on my friends and family. I stopped reaching out often, but we talked from time to time, and he visited a few times, but summarily, I felt alone. I took to journalling, and it helped a lot.
All this time, resentment was building, but I had no idea. I had already given birth when I realised how much his withdrawal had affected me. He came to see me at the hospital, but I could not talk to him. I was too tired. Then we fought a few weeks later about how I responded to him at the hospital, and he said some nasty things. At this point, I decided to move on for real because I thought that was how he truly felt about me.
Shortly after, we somewhat fell into a routine. No apologies or anything, and we did not even try to hash things out. Things seemed great between us, but I could not quite get past what he said before. Not long after, I resolved to be by myself and finally found the courage to tell him we needed to break up but that I hoped we could be cordial and do whatever we needed to do for our son. I could not trust him anymore, and the undercurrent of whatever we had going on was just off. He agreed, and initially, he checked in regularly and visited sometimes, but there was a strain. Anyway, it did not last long, and we grew more distant.
What I think affected him was being anxious about life generally. He was trying to find a job, and that thing some men do where they attach their worth to their work and money was getting the better of him then. He was not as present as he should have been, but I did not push it. There was no bad blood between us, but I was no longer expecting anything from him. I sent him pictures from time to time, and we would have a good chat sometimes.
I: That’s a lot. I’m so sorry. Did it get better, though?
A: We still had another huge fight when it was time for the baby's dedication. Given the circumstances, we could not do it in the church, so we were to have the ceremony at my parents' house. I informed him, but his reply was off, and I was so upset. He came to see me the following day, and we went at it. Then my dad had to step in to resolve the situation. We talked at length afterwards, and I let go of some of the hurt and resentment. He told me about some of the things he had been dealing with, and I understood him better and became more patient with him. I felt better and more at peace with being on my own.
When we see each other now, we're okay. Our relationship is much better. Even though we have an arrangement for money, I still want him to be present in our son's life. Parenting is much more than paying the bills. He visits once in a while, but it is what it is. I can't force him to have a relationship with his child. I have support from my friends and family, so I don't miss it much. I will always care about him, but that's just it. Nothing more.
I: This is much more than I imagined.
A: It's a lot, to be honest. I sometimes feel like I can't talk about it; because people may not fully understand.
I: I know your baby is still little, but let's talk about dating a bit. Are you considering dating any time soon?
A: Funny that you would ask this now because I was thinking about it a few days ago. I feel slightly lonely sometimes, and to be honest, I did not feel optimistic about my chances initially, even though my friends encourage me whenever I share my concerns about how being a single mum further reduces the pool. It was not really on my mind for a while, but I have started considering it. I am now open to dating and would surely be more conscientious. I used to be so heady and hardly tried to control my emotions. If I liked someone and he liked me back, it's a go; I barely paused to check if we shared the same values or are heading in the same direction in life.
When the thought of dating first crossed my mind, I was conflicted because I felt like I needed a break from dating. I started relatively early, and I've almost always been with someone, so this is the longest I have been by myself. I love romance a lot, so I always found love somehow. I did a lot of introspection when I was pregnant and decided to be by myself for some time. I no longer wanted to fill the spaces in my life with people.
I: Fair enough. What is the most difficult decision you’ve had to make?
A: I left my job recently without another one lined up. It was not as bad as the previous one where I was constantly anxious, but it was time to leave. I felt I should not be there anymore. Plus, I did not want to return to a legal job. The pay was good, and considering I have a child to fend for, it was a bit tough. I did well in school, but I have not entirely enjoyed practising. I have always felt out of place. I had to ask myself the difficult question about what I truly wanted against what people would expect me to.
I: Knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently?
A: I think I would have opened up about some of my struggles sooner.
I: Plans for the future?
A: I am not someone who plans so far into the future. I am sure I want to write books, though. I also want to help other single mums, especially those who don't have support. From medical and financial aid to building an emotional support system for them.